Today, after 7.5 long years, I feel it deep within my heart that today is the day. I desperately want to pour my emotions onto these pages and finally complete this blog, or at the very least, make it readable.
This is probably my 13th or 14th attempt, or maybe even more, to finish this blog since 2016. I’ve been tirelessly adding words and lines, trying to make it impactful and presentable. I’ve switched between different blogging platforms, used different writing tools, and even created new profiles with new email addresses, all in an attempt to give life to my thoughts.
Back in 2016, when I began writing this, I was overwhelmed with frustration, stress, sadness, and anger. Though time has passed, not much has changed, but today, I want to explore why I yearn for someone to “Surprise Me!”
Those close to me are well aware that I’m not fond of surprises in general, be it in my personal life or in my professional endeavors. This peculiar behavior of mine has given a tough time to my team, my family, and my friends.
I still remember that gloomy day when I questioned everything, asking, “Why Me?” Perhaps, somewhere along the line, I might have silently prayed to God, asking for surprises, and it seems He heard me. I can’t pinpoint when it happened, but it feels like it’s been a long time since then, and now, every day brings its own share of surprises.
My job, family, friends, colleagues, and even I, myself, never miss an opportunity to surprise me. Some surprises bring a smile to my face, making me laugh, but those days are slipping away quickly. Slowly but surely, sadness, frustration, and anger are taking over, overshadowing the happy face I used to be in the group.
Is it because of a few failures, a lack of success, financial struggles, or am I simply overthinking and ruining things for myself?
Sure, these surprises have brought some good into my life, but it feels like I’ve lost so much more along the way.
I desperately want to change; I’ve made countless plans to change, tried to take control, but most of the time, I end up failing.
I find myself asking another question: Am I searching for reasons behind these surprises, labeling them as good or bad, or have I reached a point where I simply don’t want to fix things anymore?
I’ve tried reaching out to God, but I gave up midway. I attempted to share my feelings with a few people, but I abandoned those conversations as well. I tried motivating myself, but each time, I found an excuse to fail again.
Am I exaggerating the situation, or is it genuinely as bad as it feels? If it’s just my perception, then perhaps there’s no one who can help me fix it.
Deep down, both you and I have heard the saying, “It’s your battle, and you have to win it.” Maybe it’s time for me to prove it to myself. I need to confront my stress, vent out my frustrations, and gain control over my anger.
It’s a constant struggle in my world, where I yearn for something, but deep down, I already know that the opposite will happen. The most intriguing part is that this tug-of-war between negative and positive only occurs when I anticipate the wrong outcome.
Time seems to be flying by. I was 38 when I started expressing my feelings, and now, at 46, I’m still trying to decipher my emotions and add more to this never-ending journey.
Perhaps, one day, I’ll stop adding to it, but I’ll close it with a lingering “what if,” as this introspective exploration may never truly come to an end.
The World I See! 